Language as a tool or a barrier

“He’s just stubborn.”

“She’s manipulative.”

“He’s just doing that for attention.”

“He just wants what he wants”… variations on this such as “he wants to do what he wants to do.”

“She knows how to act when she FEELS like it.”

Here’s what really bugs me about these ways of describing people, in general. They place the blame squarely on the shoulders of the person. They underestimate the role of context. They describe situations and behaviors as characteristics.

I don’t know a single person that wouldn’t fit these descriptions, sometimes. Not one. Everyone can be stubborn sometimes, digging in their heels, especially during a power struggle or when they feel they are being treated unfairly. And do not get me started on the word “manipulative.” This has basically become the word that people use to warn you that if you are flexible with someone they are going to take advantage of you, that the person is always out to “play you” and not to be trusted.

I’m not saying that there aren’t times when children/ teens don’t also fall into these behaviors. Or that there aren’t some children who show a pattern of disruptive behavior, poor interpersonal skills, and a level of egocentrism that is frustrating as all heck. What I’m saying is: to think of people in this way dehumanizes them. More importantly, it makes them harder to empathize with, harder to like, and certainly less motivating to help. They start to seem like little monsters out to get you, rather than people who have learned inappropriate ways to get their needs met.

This week... take some time to think about the behavior that your children are SHOWING you and consider what their behavior is actually telling you about what they need.