Wednesday, April 20, 2016
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
The Mirror Self (Parent) and Long- haul Parenting
I just found most of this post in my drafts list (From 2011!!)... dusting it off.
My daughter and I were standing in line this morning for something or other and she said something to me. I don't remember what it was or what we were talking about. But I remember having a moment of hope. Hope that no one else was in earshot because she said something on the borderline between being cute and being rude. She walks that line often as do many "witty" adolescents, especially those with sarcastic parents. ::Ahem::
But it got me to thinking. I talk to parents often about their reactivity to their children's behavior. Often, it comes down to their worry about what other people will think about them in the moment. "Well, I wanted him to stop yelling in to the Wal-Mart because people were looking. So I just gave in." or " I couldn't let him talk to me like that in front of people!"
I get it. I've been there. Recently. But I try to remember that the decisions I make about how to parent aren't always about acute moment- to- moment things but long-term parenting goals. Does my daughter show compassion, kindness, and decorum in most situations? Are her problem solving skills developing? Does she get along well with other people her age? Does she have a healthy sense of authority and containment? Do we have the kind of relationship that fosters discussion, acceptance, and encouragement? Here, my sense of hope is stronger. Because the answers, at least more days than not, are yes. Which is a segue into the idea that you have to notice and relish the positives more than you focus on those blips... but that's a topic for a different blog!
What are your long-haul parenting goals? What kind of person do you want your child to grow in to? What lessons are they learning now that will help them develop into that person and how are you showing them your values?
My daughter and I were standing in line this morning for something or other and she said something to me. I don't remember what it was or what we were talking about. But I remember having a moment of hope. Hope that no one else was in earshot because she said something on the borderline between being cute and being rude. She walks that line often as do many "witty" adolescents, especially those with sarcastic parents. ::Ahem::
But it got me to thinking. I talk to parents often about their reactivity to their children's behavior. Often, it comes down to their worry about what other people will think about them in the moment. "Well, I wanted him to stop yelling in to the Wal-Mart because people were looking. So I just gave in." or " I couldn't let him talk to me like that in front of people!"
I get it. I've been there. Recently. But I try to remember that the decisions I make about how to parent aren't always about acute moment- to- moment things but long-term parenting goals. Does my daughter show compassion, kindness, and decorum in most situations? Are her problem solving skills developing? Does she get along well with other people her age? Does she have a healthy sense of authority and containment? Do we have the kind of relationship that fosters discussion, acceptance, and encouragement? Here, my sense of hope is stronger. Because the answers, at least more days than not, are yes. Which is a segue into the idea that you have to notice and relish the positives more than you focus on those blips... but that's a topic for a different blog!
What are your long-haul parenting goals? What kind of person do you want your child to grow in to? What lessons are they learning now that will help them develop into that person and how are you showing them your values?
Sunday, January 26, 2014
100% not going to happen...
Internet Musings: The thing that makes me the most sad about the young men (and it's overwhelmingly males and the majority are Black) I evaluate through the juvenile justice system is just how similar their stories are. My privilege is to "bring the story to life" in a way that helps the court see the kiddo and the context, not the blur of sameness. Not just a kid who's trying to "manipulate," "be in charge," "get his own way." That's often my role for the families I work with, too. But for them, I also get to work to help make the kiddo and his/her contexts fit each other just a little better.
One of the limitations of the justice system, though, is that it's set up on an all-or-nothing basis. Either you are 100% compliant with the judges rules, or you are in violation of the law. Anyone who has ever met a teenager knows that a context like that is just setting everyone up.
The all-or-nothing mentality doesn't really work for families, either.
As a sidebar, I don't know anyone of any age who doesn't try to "manipulate" or "get his own way," at least sometimes. It's usually a problem when their "own way" is in direct opposition of the "way" of someone else, who may or may not have legitamate power over them. These situations come up more for kids because they are ALWAYS in situations where someone else has power over them, an especially hard thing if you grow up in a world as unpredictably, unsafe, and unhappy as the boys I see in that jail.
One of the limitations of the justice system, though, is that it's set up on an all-or-nothing basis. Either you are 100% compliant with the judges rules, or you are in violation of the law. Anyone who has ever met a teenager knows that a context like that is just setting everyone up.
The all-or-nothing mentality doesn't really work for families, either.
As a sidebar, I don't know anyone of any age who doesn't try to "manipulate" or "get his own way," at least sometimes. It's usually a problem when their "own way" is in direct opposition of the "way" of someone else, who may or may not have legitamate power over them. These situations come up more for kids because they are ALWAYS in situations where someone else has power over them, an especially hard thing if you grow up in a world as unpredictably, unsafe, and unhappy as the boys I see in that jail.
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