The Power of Acceptance AND Change

Radical Acceptance is something that can be difficult to wrap your head around. For some people, it implies consent, forgiveness, agreement, passivity. It means none of these things.

We use the word often in psychotherapy... in reference to the therapist and the client, for example. At the basic foundation of the therapeutic relationship is one of acceptance, of "unconditional positive regard." If someone that I work with tells me that they love skiing, I don't get all bent out of shape about that just because I am anti-snow! but that's easy... what if they tell me they are thinking of harming an animal? their mother? a child?

We use the word in romantic relationships... we talk about how people "are." For example, one might just need to "Accept" that their partner is a quiet person who doesn't like to talk... that's an easy one... what if the person you love doesn't want to have children? Wants to have an open marriage? gets angry and knocks you around?

Here's another example, paraphrased from a Marsha Linehan video I saw. At the bottom of a hill is a 4-way stop with no stop sign. And down the hill comes a boy on a bike. He's flying! And coming to the crossroads is a car. There's no stop sign and the car doesn't even see the boy or the bike as they collide. The boys dies.

Acceptance means that I understand that things happen just as they are meant to given the circumstances. Working against acceptance is how pain becomes suffering. Just as importantly, if I do not accept that the boy died, I cannot consider how to make things different so that it won't happen again. If I'm fighting the pain of losing that carefree boy, I am suffering and unable to work on getting that stop sign put in.

You might think that Acceptance means that I'm ok with that person wanting to hurt a child, that I'm okay with your husband knocking you around, that I think your pain is a fine way to live. But it doesn't. Acceptance means that we can tolerate what *is* here and now AND that we work to do better, to change.

From the guru, herself:
"Linehan makes the following five fundamental points regarding "radical acceptance":
Acceptance is acknowledgment of what is. Acceptance is non-judgmental, not a matter of deeming something good or okay. Freedom from suffering requires accepting rather than resisting reality. Choosing to tolerate pain or distress in the moment is acceptance. Accepting rather than avoiding painful emotions actually alleviates suffering."

It seems a little paradoxical, right? Basically, it's the power of the *and.* I accept you as you are. You are perfect. AND there are things to be done to move forward toward change.

And finally the Challenge of the blog:
Consider, how has a lack of acceptance about something hindered your movement forward? Is your suffering getting in the way of your progress?


[Learn more about about Linehan and DBT here]