So, I was thinking of these ways that parents and children relationships go wrong and the ways that the threads of relationships can be strengthened. These ideas start as strategies (things to try) but the goal is for them to become a way of thinking and being with your child.
1. A stance of acceptance – when your daughter seeks you out to ask for something, to ask a question, or to talk. Listen first. If the first thing you always say is no, she is going to stop asking you and start looking for answers on her own.
2. 3 strokes for a poke – the majority of time you spend with your daughter should be pleasant time. Yes, she forgot to load the dishwasher, yes, her hair is a hot mess, but if you point out every little thing all the time, she’s going to tune you out… and she's going to start discounting your relationship.
3. Collaborate AND be consistent – Rules are necessary to teach children the how’s and why’s of behavior and to keep them safe. When your daughter was a little girl, all of the rules were yours. I’m not saying that you should give up rule making. Rules are still needed to maintain safety and if something is a rule, it should ALWAYS be a rule, not just when mom or dad feel like it should be one. As girls get older, they get smarter, stronger, and more independent. We want them to. Because ultimately, we want to them to move out of our house! Part of becoming that independent young woman is to have more and more responsibility and privileges. Let your daughter be a part of the conversation about how things can change as she shows you she can handle them. This also shows her that you respect her, which is an important way she learns that she deserves to be respected.
4. Model what you want to see –
a. You know that kids copy people they know. Did you know that they are more likely to copy people that they admire… that’s the whole idea of a role model. Parents model specific behaviors, like smiling, saying hello, smoking, cursing. And how to solve problems in healthy ways
b. But parental modeling is also about your values. What does your family stand for? Is it important to be nice? To be rich? To be first? To save face? Your values are reflected in the things you do every day. Your kids are watching you. If you want them to be able to solve their problems respectfully, but you are yelling and screaming at your neighbor, you are teaching them something. If you tell them it’s important to go to the doctor to get checked out, and you have never been, or you say to eat your veggies and you never eat them, being healthy will not be seen as a value. If you tell them that you want them to grow up strong and smart and you only make positive comments on their clothes and nails or their boyfriends, you are creating a different value.
c. The relationships that children have as they grow up, especially the ones within their families, are the models for their relationships as they get older.
Consider this as a parting thought, what does the relationship that you have with your daughter teach her about how she should treat others, how she deserves to have others treat her, and how she should treat herself?
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