Skills training? Goal setting!

I spend most days talking to people about how they are doing in most areas of their lives and the kinds of skills that should be more developed to help them feel, think, or act "better" so that they can get on their way. Partly, I'm a skills trainer. And that should be enough, right? There seems to be some assumption, by some people, that if you just tell people what they are doing wrong (and even better HOW to do it right) then the work is done. And for some people, this works.

But how many times have you told your kids what to do... and yet... they continue to do the same thing that got them into trouble?

Sometimes, the barrier to doing better is knowing better. But sometimes, the barrier is something else... fear, anger, impulse control. More often with the family and kids that I see, the issue is more about goals.

I have an example: a mom comes in and wants her one kid to get along better with the other kid and as an added perk, maybe she could also do more chores around the house. So, I can talk with this kid about how she thinks about her sister and how she can stymie potential fights with her sister. She can take deep breaths, she can walk away, she can take a time out... I can talk to mom about setting up some kind of reward system for motivating the kiddo to do chores.

Before I spend the next 6 months doing all that, I ask the kid this: "How motivated are you to get along better with your sister?" "Not at all," is the answer. "OK. How motivated are you to do something different if it means that everyone, including you, gets along better and it isn't such a drag to be in your house? or let me say it like this: How motivated are you to get your sister out of your face when she's bugging you?" Now, we're talking. This kids goals are not the same as her mom's. BUT, the ways to get to their goals might be pretty similar. It's a win - win. But If we just try to get this kid to do something different towards a goal that isn't her own, there is NO WAY its going to last... remember, this is a kid, we're talking about. Nevermind if you are adding in some oppositional behavior or an adolescent brain.

This is one of the reasons why problem solving together can be so important. Family members don't agree on the problem, so they don't necessarily come up with the same solutions. Then, it looks like the kids skills are lacking, but there is a difference between knowledge and performance. I have similar conversations with other professionals who are trying to make adults meet goals that have been chosed for them... but that is another rant for another day!

So here's your challenge: Think of a problem you have with your children and their behavior. Talk with them about the problem, speaking about the facts, no judgement. See if you can get to what their goals are and how they influence their attempts to solve the problem.... How does this change your idea of the problem?