Opportunities for Failure

I have been having conversations lately that share a theme, the idea that life is hard. And that people really want life to be easy. Nothing too profound there, right? But hear me out.

The truth is, life isn't easy. Most of the people that I work with, in each and every capacity, are having some kind of difficulty because they are trying to make life easier. Usually, the way they go about this is to attempt to force other people to conform to their wishes. For example, (from a parent or a teacher) "if [insert child's name here] would just follow my rules, we wouldn't have a problem!" Or (from a child) "if my mom would just let me do what I want, we wouldn't have a problem!" Both of these statements are, of course, absolutely false, but that's a topic for another day.

But the other way parents really try to make life easier is to shield their kids from situations where they can get hurt or make mistakes. Or to solve all of their problems for them, quickly, and without discussion. Now, I'm not saying that you should send your babies into war zones or ask your 5-year-old to walk up the street to the corner store to buy your cigarettes for you just so they can deal with things on their own. Kids definitely need limits. But they also need enough room to make choices, make mistakes, and hopefully, try again. When people see children who are poor decision makers, they might be tempted to think that child is "slow." But when I see one, I think that I'm looking at a child who hasn't had enough chances to flex his decision making muscles. In fact, it is the ability to make good choices and see their benefits (and the learning that goes along with it) that contribute to that healthy self- esteem. You know, the kind that is based on reality rather than the weird sense of entitlement that kids seem so good at.

Now, watch out, here. Like I said. Kids need limits. Parents and other adults in children's lives have a role to play when it comes to helping children make good choices. When they have a problem, talk to them about what they think their options are, what the consequences might be, what their goal is and how they can reach it. AND about making choices that maintain healthy relationships. Be open to their ideas. And their questions. And being open means that you do not say something like "that's a dumb idea! I can't even beleive you would say something like that!" It means you listen and you say things like "hmm, that is one way to do it" and "I hadnt thought of that" and "wow, you have got SOME ideas!" Try to hold off on the immediate problem solving impulse. Yes. You know the answer. And yes, your problem solving is awesome. But, won't it be great when theirs is, too?

Steps to solving a problem:

1. State the problem (What is your problem? So, then, what is the goal?)
2. Think of possible solutions (There are probably multiple ways to solve the problem. How many can you think of? At this step, all ideas are okay even if they are unrealistic.)
3. Consider the consequences (You really want to weed out solutions that create more problems or make the problem worse. The best way to do this is to consider what might happen later. NOTE: This is especially hard for young child, who don't have a good sense of consquences and "future orientation.")
4. Pick a solution and try it!

If you combine steps 3 and 4 then you have the classic: STOP, THINK, GO! model of problem solving.
And don't forget: Sometimes we make a choice that leads to an outcome we don't want... so we have a new opportunity to try again!