The Power of Acceptance AND Change

Radical Acceptance is something that can be difficult to wrap your head around. For some people, it implies consent, forgiveness, agreement, passivity. It means none of these things.

We use the word often in psychotherapy... in reference to the therapist and the client, for example. At the basic foundation of the therapeutic relationship is one of acceptance, of "unconditional positive regard." If someone that I work with tells me that they love skiing, I don't get all bent out of shape about that just because I am anti-snow! but that's easy... what if they tell me they are thinking of harming an animal? their mother? a child?

We use the word in romantic relationships... we talk about how people "are." For example, one might just need to "Accept" that their partner is a quiet person who doesn't like to talk... that's an easy one... what if the person you love doesn't want to have children? Wants to have an open marriage? gets angry and knocks you around?

Here's another example, paraphrased from a Marsha Linehan video I saw. At the bottom of a hill is a 4-way stop with no stop sign. And down the hill comes a boy on a bike. He's flying! And coming to the crossroads is a car. There's no stop sign and the car doesn't even see the boy or the bike as they collide. The boys dies.

Acceptance means that I understand that things happen just as they are meant to given the circumstances. Working against acceptance is how pain becomes suffering. Just as importantly, if I do not accept that the boy died, I cannot consider how to make things different so that it won't happen again. If I'm fighting the pain of losing that carefree boy, I am suffering and unable to work on getting that stop sign put in.

You might think that Acceptance means that I'm ok with that person wanting to hurt a child, that I'm okay with your husband knocking you around, that I think your pain is a fine way to live. But it doesn't. Acceptance means that we can tolerate what *is* here and now AND that we work to do better, to change.

From the guru, herself:
"Linehan makes the following five fundamental points regarding "radical acceptance":
Acceptance is acknowledgment of what is. Acceptance is non-judgmental, not a matter of deeming something good or okay. Freedom from suffering requires accepting rather than resisting reality. Choosing to tolerate pain or distress in the moment is acceptance. Accepting rather than avoiding painful emotions actually alleviates suffering."

It seems a little paradoxical, right? Basically, it's the power of the *and.* I accept you as you are. You are perfect. AND there are things to be done to move forward toward change.

And finally the Challenge of the blog:
Consider, how has a lack of acceptance about something hindered your movement forward? Is your suffering getting in the way of your progress?


[Learn more about about Linehan and DBT here]

Apparently, being unhealthy takes less time!

It's not a secret that I work at becoming healthier sometimes. Profound, huh? I think MOST of us work at becoming healthier, sometimes!

Well, I was sitting here. Just now, wondering why there are times when it doesn't seem like such a struggle to eat right, exercise, take care of myself. I thought, "My life just isn't set up for this stuff right now." Aha!!! There it is. The dismissive thought. If my lifestyle isn't set up well, then that means I don't have to worry about it, right? I'm free to eat that whole pizza and take the elevator up one flight, right?

WRONG!

I encounter this often with families, too. I recommend that they have "Special time" with their kids, or coach them through frustrating problem solving, or take some time for themselves. And they tell me, "I just can't right now."

I get: "I just can't find the time."

You know why? Because the time isn't there. It's not just sitting on the sidelines waving its hands for you to snatch it up. You have to MAKE the time.

So, for today: What are the values/ goals in your life that you aren't acting AGAINST because the time isn't readily available? Now, how are you going to make one small change and stick to it for the whole week?

Consider:
Dinner with the family at least twice.
Walk around the block
Take the stairs
Have lunch with an old friend
Call your spouse on the phone in the middle of the day
Special time for 5 minutes with each child
Pack your gym bag and leave it in the car
Take your lunch (money saver!)
Call your parents and say I love you
Send a thank you note
Garden

Good news: You don't have to work out EVERY DAY either!

I was at the gym the other day with a cup of coffee. I almost always take one with me when I walk out of my house in the morning. Sometimes I don’t even drink it. It's part of my thing. Anyway, I was drinking it and a friend who was taking the class with me said something like: "WHAT! Is that coffee? Oh my goodness" using *that* tone. You know the one, the one that says: I can't believe you would befoul yourself with poisons. She then went on to relate the guy she saw walking into the building on his way to work out while smoking a cigarette. "A CIGARETTE! Can you imagine? I was like, aren't you on the way to the gym?!

First, let’s get past the judgmental tone. I could have imagined it. Maybe I’m sensitive to drinking coffee while working out. Maybe I don't like it being compared to smoking...

Underlying all of that, it seems, is this idea that if you aren’t doing EVERYTHING you can, you shouldn’t bother doing ANYTHING. This is such a false way to go about making significant changes in your life... its setting yourself up for failure... and here is the tie in to parenting... you were wondering weren't you?

When parents want to regain control of their kids' disruptive behavior, the can generate a laundry list of things they want to be different about the child: he doesn’t listen, he talks to much, he can’t stay on task, he talks back, he hits his brother/sister, he's disrespectful, he steals, he lies, he doesn’t say please and thank you.... if you go after all of those things at once, you are done for. And exhausted and ineffective, ta boot!

So, for today. Pick two behaviors that are at the top of the list of things that are off limits. Not just annoying, but completely unacceptable. From the list above the hitting is a good candidate. With those two things, be as consistent as possible with making a consequence happen that you can stick with. That means a SHORT time out. A BRIEF removal from a privilege. If you make the consequence too long it’s harder to keep in place AND the kids don’t get anything out of it anyway, except resentment. Which, by the way, is not a good attitude to start with the next time you need to set a limit.

DOUBLE WHAMMY! Pick three behaviors that you are going to consistently encourage. What are three things your kids do that you want them to do more of: say hello in a nice voice, use gentle hands with their baby brother, get dressed on time, set their own alarm, remember their medicine, sit quietly while you are on the phone. Unlike the other category, feel free to sprinkle SPECIFIC encouragement (such as: "I like the way you held the door for your sister") liberally.