The Mirror Self (Parent) and Long- haul Parenting

I just found most of this post in my drafts list (From 2011!!)... dusting it off.

My daughter and I were standing in line this morning for something or other and she said something to me. I don't remember what it was or what we were talking about. But I remember having a moment of hope. Hope that no one else was in earshot because she said something on the borderline between being cute and being rude. She walks that line often as do many "witty" adolescents, especially those with sarcastic parents. ::Ahem::

But it got me to thinking. I talk to parents often about their reactivity to their children's behavior. Often, it comes down to their worry about what other people will think about them in the moment. "Well, I wanted him to stop yelling in to the Wal-Mart because people were looking. So I just gave in." or " I couldn't let him talk to me like that in front of people!"

I get it. I've been there. Recently. But I try to remember that the decisions I make about how to parent aren't always about acute moment- to- moment things but long-term parenting goals. Does my daughter show compassion, kindness, and decorum in most situations? Are her problem solving skills developing? Does she get along well with other people her age? Does she have a healthy sense of authority and containment? Do we have the kind of relationship that fosters discussion, acceptance, and encouragement? Here, my sense of hope is stronger. Because the answers, at least more days than not, are yes. Which is a segue into the idea that you have to notice and relish the positives more than you focus on those blips... but that's a topic for a different blog!

What are your long-haul parenting goals? What kind of person do you want your child to grow in to? What lessons are they learning now that will help them develop into that person and how are you showing them your values?

100% not going to happen...

Internet Musings: The thing that makes me the most sad about the young men (and it's overwhelmingly males and the majority are Black) I evaluate through the juvenile justice system is just how similar their stories are. My privilege is to "bring the story to life" in a way that helps the court see the kiddo and the context, not the blur of sameness. Not just a kid who's trying to "manipulate," "be in charge," "get his own way." That's often my role for the families I work with, too. But for them, I also get to work to help make the kiddo and his/her contexts fit each other just a little better.

One of the limitations of the justice system, though, is that it's set up on an all-or-nothing basis. Either you are 100% compliant with the judges rules, or you are in violation of the law. Anyone who has ever met a teenager knows that a context like that is just setting everyone up.

The all-or-nothing mentality doesn't really work for families, either.

As a sidebar, I don't know anyone of any age who doesn't try to "manipulate" or "get his own way," at least sometimes. It's usually a problem when their "own way" is in direct opposition of the "way" of someone else, who may or may not have legitamate power over them. These situations come up more for kids because they are ALWAYS in situations where someone else has power over them, an especially hard thing if you grow up in a world as unpredictably, unsafe, and unhappy as the boys I see in that jail. 

Language as a tool or a barrier

“He’s just stubborn.”

“She’s manipulative.”

“He’s just doing that for attention.”

“He just wants what he wants”… variations on this such as “he wants to do what he wants to do.”

“She knows how to act when she FEELS like it.”

Here’s what really bugs me about these ways of describing people, in general. They place the blame squarely on the shoulders of the person. They underestimate the role of context. They describe situations and behaviors as characteristics.

I don’t know a single person that wouldn’t fit these descriptions, sometimes. Not one. Everyone can be stubborn sometimes, digging in their heels, especially during a power struggle or when they feel they are being treated unfairly. And do not get me started on the word “manipulative.” This has basically become the word that people use to warn you that if you are flexible with someone they are going to take advantage of you, that the person is always out to “play you” and not to be trusted.

I’m not saying that there aren’t times when children/ teens don’t also fall into these behaviors. Or that there aren’t some children who show a pattern of disruptive behavior, poor interpersonal skills, and a level of egocentrism that is frustrating as all heck. What I’m saying is: to think of people in this way dehumanizes them. More importantly, it makes them harder to empathize with, harder to like, and certainly less motivating to help. They start to seem like little monsters out to get you, rather than people who have learned inappropriate ways to get their needs met.

This week... take some time to think about the behavior that your children are SHOWING you and consider what their behavior is actually telling you about what they need.

Skills training? Goal setting!

I spend most days talking to people about how they are doing in most areas of their lives and the kinds of skills that should be more developed to help them feel, think, or act "better" so that they can get on their way. Partly, I'm a skills trainer. And that should be enough, right? There seems to be some assumption, by some people, that if you just tell people what they are doing wrong (and even better HOW to do it right) then the work is done. And for some people, this works.

But how many times have you told your kids what to do... and yet... they continue to do the same thing that got them into trouble?

Sometimes, the barrier to doing better is knowing better. But sometimes, the barrier is something else... fear, anger, impulse control. More often with the family and kids that I see, the issue is more about goals.

I have an example: a mom comes in and wants her one kid to get along better with the other kid and as an added perk, maybe she could also do more chores around the house. So, I can talk with this kid about how she thinks about her sister and how she can stymie potential fights with her sister. She can take deep breaths, she can walk away, she can take a time out... I can talk to mom about setting up some kind of reward system for motivating the kiddo to do chores.

Before I spend the next 6 months doing all that, I ask the kid this: "How motivated are you to get along better with your sister?" "Not at all," is the answer. "OK. How motivated are you to do something different if it means that everyone, including you, gets along better and it isn't such a drag to be in your house? or let me say it like this: How motivated are you to get your sister out of your face when she's bugging you?" Now, we're talking. This kids goals are not the same as her mom's. BUT, the ways to get to their goals might be pretty similar. It's a win - win. But If we just try to get this kid to do something different towards a goal that isn't her own, there is NO WAY its going to last... remember, this is a kid, we're talking about. Nevermind if you are adding in some oppositional behavior or an adolescent brain.

This is one of the reasons why problem solving together can be so important. Family members don't agree on the problem, so they don't necessarily come up with the same solutions. Then, it looks like the kids skills are lacking, but there is a difference between knowledge and performance. I have similar conversations with other professionals who are trying to make adults meet goals that have been chosed for them... but that is another rant for another day!

So here's your challenge: Think of a problem you have with your children and their behavior. Talk with them about the problem, speaking about the facts, no judgement. See if you can get to what their goals are and how they influence their attempts to solve the problem.... How does this change your idea of the problem?