You get to share the blame AND the credit!

Someone mentioned my blog today. Which reminded me of it and that I haven't written anything in a while. So, as I was walking the dogs and having conversations with myself to determine what to write about, I confused myself. I do that sometimes. Some things are too interrelated to keep straight. So, excuse me if I go astray on these related topics. Maybe today's challenge will be to figure out what in the world I'm talking about!

Here's a paraphrase of a challenge I saw on a billboard at the mall: Name 3 of Hollywood's leading men or women. Now, name 3 of your child's teachers.... But I digress.

Topic One: I am a child psychologist. For many people, this implies that I sit in a room with child after child and talk them into reason and compliant behavior. In fact, I have to remind parents (and others) that children don't develop separate from others, why would an effective treatment involve only working with them separate from others? Doesn't make sense, right? So. Dropping a child off for 50 minutes a week and expecting them to develop a new way of being, living, and interacting doesn't make sense either, right? I'll leave you to think about that for a minute.


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Topic Two: If I worked with adults, I could make more money. What? Let me explain. I spend a great deal of time on the phone talking to teachers, counselors, moms, dads, pediatricians, probation officers, extended family members, etc. You see, often, the struggles children are having relate to how well they fit into what's going on around them, what we call the systems (e.g., school, family, legal, etc). Think about this. If you are the kind of adult that doesn't like to sit still, who enjoys moving around, who is a hands on learner, who likes to make noise, then when you choose the kinds of environments to "live" in, you will pick the ones that fit you. The ones that allow you some freedom to be who you are. However, if you are a child, you don't get to make so many choices. You don't choose where you live, who you live with, who shares a room with you, where you go to school, how much time you spend in a given class, what you eat, when you eat. Sometimes you don't even get to choose what you wear! So, my money per hour goes DOWN DOWN DOWN as I work with and consult with all the people in all the places where children live. The kicker is, adults live in a bunch of different systems, too. We just get a little better at generalizing our skills across situations as we get older. We also get better at protecting our systems from each other. Theoretically.

So, here's what I want you to do. Take a minute to think of something really bad that has happened to you since you had kids. Now think of all the ways that the bad thing effected your children. Directly. Indirectly. Don't forget things like "I was so sad that I couldn't spend time with them when they got home from school." Those are indirect consequences. Now, do the same thing for something great that happened to you. Imagine how it would be if you were being effected by those things but had very little choice in the situation, the outcome, or how to cope with it. For some kids, you also have to consider their ability to understand what's going on around them... based on their age or brain smarts.

Remember that as the CEO of the family, you call the shots... wait. That metaphor's a bit mixed. But you get the idea. You are calling the shots but the team needs you to remember that you are all in the game together.

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Heavy stuff to think about before a cup of coffee (a little preachy)

Yesterday on the plane, I sat next to a woman who was reading a book called "Stella." She told me that it was written by a Jew about Hitler. We talked momentarily about the implications of that and some of the interesting things in the book. I don't generally enjoy historical novels. Honestly, I would say that my knowledge of specific historical events is pretty terrible. Towards the end of the conversation, the woman (turned out to be a master's level therapist) said something to the effect of the horrible things that humans do to each other. This statement actually reflects the reason why I avoid books and other accounts of history. And the horrible things get stuck in my head.

So, I woke up this morning thinking of the unspeakable things that we do to one another. This line of thinking started where it generally does. With the big historical events that continue to effect large groups of people. The Jewish Holocaust. The Africans' Maafa. The Native American Trail of Tears. When this (and other nations') values were and priorities were a bit screwy. Success over humanity. Business over relationships. Land over empathy. When our value of stuff overrode our value of life. These terrible shifts in values were often shrouded in politics and lies. To varying degrees these events are, at times, dismissed as "mistakes" of the past that should be "gotten over." At other times they are remembered and honored in large gatherings of celebration and mourning.

From these thoughts, my mind moved, eventually, to more routine kinds of abuse. Somewhere a child is being touched, a wife is being battered, a husband is walking on emotional eggshells. And smaller acts: children who rarely see smiles in their homes. People who are sitting around gossiping and plotting. Businesses that are targeting groups of people for discrimination. Verbal and written distribution of hate and bigotry.

Heavy stuff to think about before a cup of coffee.

Here's the thing. Ya know, as I see it. It's important to remember the horrors that have happened. That statement is too passive for my mood. Let me restate it: It is important to remember that horrors that we have done to other people. That you and I have done to people that we know and that people have done to us. I don't mean that we need to harp on them and beat them into the ground. Venting is only helpful so far as it leads to some emotional relief and a subsequent ability to make a useful plan. I mean that recognizing a tragedy, and the role of its players, is the first step in being able to make that useful plan. Denial, silence, and shame are counter productive. This is true on the large scale of world events involving genocide and on the smaller scale of interactions between families.

So... today. Think about the behaviors your children see. What are the values that they are learning from you? I'm not referencing the words they hear from you. Most families can say they value "the right things," the pro-social things: love, cooperation, acceptance, life, liberty.

But what values are you LIVING in front of your family?

Conversations from a Classroom

One of the ways I pass my time is to serve as a Behavioral Health Consultant in two local Head Start Centers. Last week was their last week for the year. I went in to say goodbye to the children that were leaving and also just to hang out with the teachers and wish them a Happy Summer. Teachers are amazing creatures to me... but that's another topic for another day.

A group of us were having one of those "back in our day" and "I just can't understand kids today" sort of conversations. But because we all work with parents the focus was a little different. It revolved around the difficulty there often is in getting parents to participate in school activities with their children. One of the teachers suggested that Head Start mandate parent involvement and participation in parenting workshops. I think that would be great, although I doubt it would work in any simple form. There would need to be real incentives to address real barriers that parents face. And there would need to be real consequences for families that just flat out refused to comply. Neither is something that poorly funded programs like Head Start can really address well without careful planning... (here's another great topic for another day's blog).

Another theme, one of my favorite themes, is this idea of parents who restrict there children from playing outside. Well, maybe restrict is too strong a concept. More like, they don't encourage their children to play outside. These kids sit inside and play video games or engage in other non - physical activities most of the time while at home. One of the teachers said that there were children in her class this year who really struggled with being involved in the classroom because they were so weak. And others who have no idea how to entertain themselves during free-choice time. These are two groups of children who often complain about being on the play ground or taking walks. Who seek out the teachers often rather than knowing how to engage with other children appropriately. The group of us recalled how, when we were young, we hit the door as soon as we woke up. We ate lunch on the porch so as not to miss anything. We came home when the "street lights came on." Having to stay inside was like a punishment. Nobody worried that no one had cell phones back then, or that we would get hurt or that we wouldn't be able to solve some child- sized problem. Because we could solve the problem. At least, we knew how to try first, before we asked for help from a parent we knew was in the house (or a phone call away for those of us with working parents) if we needed them.

Finally, and this is another of my favorite topics to talk about with parents, we talked about parents who don't know how to play. How does that happen? Are they the adults that were once the children who never played outside? Do they think that you outgrow play? Do they feel silly?

When you talk about parents who need to "learn something" it implies that they are lacking in some skill. That if you just teach it to them, they will do it and do it well. And this may be true for some parents. But the truth is, there are other reasons parents don't participate at their kids' school, encourage outdoor play, or engage in playful activities with their children. One is fear. I'll let you think on that one until another day. Another reason is that they don't know that they should do these things. They don't know the value of these things and/ or they don't see them as falling within the scope of their parenting role. Parents have come to rely on schools and teachers to teach many of the values and skills that were once the sole responsibility of families. And indeed, schools should shoulder some of the burden. But let's not forget that the first and most powerful teachers your children have are you.

What did your children learn from you today?